DAVE EGGERS

Truth: Author, screenwriter, and staggering genius, Dave Eggers is one of the great-granddaddies of Hip culture. His incredibly clever memoir A Heartbreaking Work…etc. came out in 2000 and rocked brilliantly misunderstood twenty-somethings everywhere. He also started the insanely cool literary journal McSweeny’s (it’s never the same twice!) and founded the 826 literacy project (he cares!). Plus, that’s right, now he’s writing Hip movies with names like Away We Go and Where the Wild Things Are.

Hearsay: In all seriousness, though, Dave Eggers was just one of the first people to articulately diagnose what post-college youth has been going for a while now, which is this: we just feel like we should be famous by now. After all, we did what our parents told us (before they died, sad) -- we partied and learned and made art. But now we know too much and we don’t want to actually work. Work would crush our souls! Thus, we want to keep learning! We want to travel! We want to eat a lot of interesting food and sleep with a lot of interesting people and write a lot of books and songs about it! Why doesn’t the world support this? Why hasn’t the world thrown itself at our feet? We are smart and pretty; why can’t you people see that?!?

BS and Speculation: The amazing thing is, to Dave Eggers, the world said, “Okay! We will pay you to do this!" And Hollywood lifted him to its shoulders. Which is, my friends, his true victory. It's not enough to demand something of the world. To be impressive, you have to get the world to agree to give it to you. And Eggers, who wrote a very funny book about very not-funny things (i.e. becoming an orphan, trying to raise his little brother, selling his soul), actually happens to have a rare, magical combination of three gifts: 1) knowing how to feel deeply, 2) being able to write poignantly, and 3) being able to make a living at it. Plus, he’s pals with Spike Jonze and David O. Russell. Hip Champion.

Hip Animals: OWLS

Having worked in a somewhat Hip retail store for almost a year now, I have noticed a running trend. There are a variety of animals that come and go with popularity almost on a monthly basis. Now, I'm not sure how the Hip animal is chosen or how it reaches its ultimate status of 'cool'; all I know is that once it is chosen, it is then plastered over every scrap of jewelry, shirts, sweaters, and home goods. Any person who has ever been in an Urban Outfitters knows exactly what I'm talking about.

For the longest time it was owls, and understandably so: owls are chill, they only hang out at night, are known for their wisdom, and live in trees. Just look at Owl from Winnie the Pooh -- if he isn't Hip then I don't know what is.

We are seeing a transition of animals right now, though. Owls are on their way out. I advise you to throw out or donate any and all of your owl paraphernalia before your friends see them and -- like true friends -- judge you. I cannot say for sure what the new animal to represent this selective community will be, but so far the ones in the running seem to be Peacocks, Octopi, and Canaries.

Hmmm. This is going to be an epic battle until one emerges victorious. I don't know why there has to be all this bloodshed, but I don't make the rules.

It is my intention to keep you informed as to what the Hip animal is on a regular basis; this way you won't be embarrassed by wearing a tiger or some shit on your cardigan. Because, really, why would you do that?

PICNICS

Truth: While picnicking has been around since the late 1600's and was finally popularized following the French revolution, today we can see picnics making a comeback. Hipsters love to dine al fresco. What could be better than to lay out on the grass on a blanket that's "been in your family for generations" with a vintage picnic basket, eat all organic food, and drink some PBR's? To you I say, nothing is better. That is unless you lay smack in the middle of the fuckin' park for all the world to see. I mean, what's the point of being that cool and not having anyone to see it?

Hearsay: Picnics are wonderful. I think even Adolph Hitler would agree with me on that one. In all seriousness, I myself will admit to partaking in the occasional picnic if the weather is nice enough, and there may or may not have been a picnic basket dating back to the 1950's involved. There's just something so liberating to having the wind in your hair whilst eating a piece of tofu sushi that I made back at my "flat" before setting out on this spring-day escapade. To kick off your sweaty Toms and run your toes through the cool grass just can't be beat.

BS and Speculation: With the increase in temperature in central Ohio, I have been seeing more and more ridiculously cool-looking people laying about on the lawns of Goodale Park. The simple reality of the situation is that we can't blame the Hip culture for partaking in picnics. I mean, anyone would do it if they had the copious amounts of free time that these youngsters seem to have; it's just their motives that I question. Are they doing it to be seen by the non-hipster so they may make them feel inferior by pretending to be inferior themselves? This is a phenomenon I shall never understand -- but until then I say, let them have their lawns, and their spring afternoons, and their juice boxes of wine. Dammit, let them live.

Hip! Recipe of the Week: The Good Salad

So there’s this little place down in the city called Good. It’s a microbrew and grill, so you can bet your ass they have amazing burgers and beer. Plus, it’s located a in a strip mall (which is very LA), and it’s impossible to park there (which is very Hip).

But since I’m a pseudo-vegan, I can’t eat their burgers. Thus, last time I was there, I was forced into one of the best decisions I’ve ever made: Good's Ahleia brown rice salad.

I tried to make it myself tonight, was successful, and have hereby set forth the recipe for your reading and eating delight.

Ingredients:

Red leaf lettuce

Red onions

Tomatoes (yes, preferably red)

Brown rice

Feta cheese

Tofu (firm)

Dressing:

½ cup honey

2 tbs yellow mustard

2 tbs lemon juice

½ cup olive oil

Directions:

So since this is a salad, it’s pretty easy. Yes, even you can do this. Start off by cooking the brown rice – either on the stovetop or in a rice cooker. I’m an idiot at doing it on the stove, so I just dump a cup of rice into the ol’ cooker with a two cups of water and let her rip.

While the rice is cooking, prep the dressing. Tonight, my roommate and I made this, but wound up having way too much dressing for just us. So either halve this or be prepared to save it.

Then, tofu. We pan-fried ours, by sautéing a little garlic in the pan, then slicing the tofu into quarter inch strips and adding it in when the garlic was cooked. Fry until the tofu is crispy and delicious-looking. Season with salt and pepper.

Then do your salad stuff in a bowl. Go easy on the red onions – they are potent! Be generous with your feta. When the rice is done, mix it in. Lay the tofu on top. Dress it lightly with the homemade honey mustard.

Muah! Enjoy and say to yourself, "Thank you, Good, for your salady goodness." Or, if you want to say it in person, go here: http://www.goodmicrobrew.com/

VINYL

Truth: Vinyl is what records are made of. Yes, records. Records records records. And when you buy a record, you need to play it on a record player. Are records and record players expensive? Yes. Is this an outdated piece of technology? Yes. Is playing a record annoying because you have to flip it over every forty minutes? Absolutely. Is this Hip? Fuck yeah.

Hearsay: I actually own a record player myself and can boast of a pretty impressive selection of records...which I will now unashamedly do. Ahem. I have at least four Cat Stevens albums, three Simon & Garfunkel albums, two Pink Floyd albums, and Led Zepplin’s In Through the Out Door. I also happen to own an original copy of Revolver and George Harrison’s All Things Must Pass. Plus! I have plenty of instrumental (including Holst’s The Planets and the lovely George Winston’s Autumn), not to mention movie soundtracks (The Graduate and The Sting, for starters). Now. Ask me how often I ever listen to these marvelously artsy musics. Just ask me. Yep, that’s right – almost never.

BS and Speculation: The truth is, vinyl only makes sense to people who really know music. Seriously. Ask somebody out at Rhino Records (I heart Claremont) or down at Rockaway (in the indie mecca of Silver Lake) about vinyl and they will talk your ear off about why it kicks ass. Which it does. But for the average cat like me? Yeah, I can’t tell the difference. The reason I have a vinyl collection, as you can probably tell from my above list, is because the music I have on vinyl I actually don’t own in any other form. If I want to hear Holst while I’m cooking my Hip pseudo-vegan food, I really have to put it on the record player. I can’t just plug in my iPod. Hell, my iPod is dead half the time anyway. Which brings me to perhaps the absolute best reason to ever EVER listen to vinyl – you never have to charge it. And laziness, my friends, laziness is Hip. Excuse me while I go lie down.

Catch Phrases of Misunderstood Youth

"Album? I only listen to demos."

"They're not girl's pants. They're just European."

"I have a sophisticated palate......two PBR's, please."

"I donated to Haiti BEFORE the earthquake."

"I only eat organic foods for my body's health, but I still smoke."

"My favorite Pokemon is Diglett, because he's still underground."

"I like the color of these walls, they remind me of a Wes Anderson film."

"Hey, have you heard of this band? Didn't think so."

"It costs a lot of money to look this poor."

"87 degrees? Let me get my scarf."

Believe it or not, I have personally heard ALL of these. Damn, we're cool.

Hip! Recipe of the Week: Eggplant and Goat Cheese Sandwiches

This week’s delicious food is a pseudo-vegan classic: eggplant and goat cheese sandwiches. I use this basic (very quick and almost stupidly easy) recipe from Epicurious as a guide, modifying it only a little.

Ingredients:

2 large garlic cloves, minced

3 tbs olive oil

1 foot-long piece of baguette, cut lengthwise

1 small eggplant, cut into 1/2 inch slices

3 medium tomatoes

3 oz. soft fresh goat cheese

fresh basil leaves

Directions:

Prepare barbecue (medium-high heat) or preheat broiler (I broiled, way easier!). Combine oil and garlic in small bowl. Let stand 5 minutes.

Brush cut sides of baguette and both sides of eggplant slices and tomato slices with garlic oil. Grill cut sides of baguette until toasted, about 2 minutes. Transfer baguette, cut side up, to plates. Season eggplant and tomatoes with salt and pepper. Grill eggplant until cooked through, about 6 minutes per side; transfer to plate. Grill tomatoes until warmed through, about 1 minute per side; transfer to plate.

Spread goat cheese on bread, dividing equally. Overlap eggplant slices, then tomato slices on baguette halves, covering completely. Garnish with fresh basil leaves. Cut each sandwich diagonally into 4 sections and serve.

And you can check it out yourself at http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Eggplant-Tomato-and-Goat-Cheese-Sandwiches-612

But first off, I don’t grill my bread. That just takes too much time and adds a bit of fat that doesn’t make the sandwich significantly more flavorful. Also, I’ve never used fresh basil leaves (because my basil plant died), so I simply add dried basil to the garlic and oil base and brush it onto the eggplant and tomato slices before I broil them.

I also like to broil a few slices of red bell pepper and top the sandwich them and with lettuce. But that’s just me, because thin sandwiches don’t tend to fill me up.

Anyway. Make it, love it, be Hip.

JAYWALKING

Truth: Jaywalking is Hip because it’s so blasé. Why, no, officer, I can’t walk down to that crosswalk. I’m too tired from lying around all day listening to my vinyl record collection. Plus, any activity that could hypothetically get you killed and/or fined a hefty amount of money is very cool. See also: cocaine and driving old cars.

Hearsay: The trick to jaywalking properly, though, is doing it in a Hip area. It’s not cool to jaywalk in, say, South Central. Or anywhere in the Valley. But jaywalking in Echo Park is a must. The other thing about jaywalking is that you do literally need to walk. You cannot – cannot! – run or hurry. Concern for your life/bank account is not Hip. Also, if you move too quickly, the rest of us will not get a chance to admire your beard, beret, and/or boots. Think of jaywalking as a slightly more dangerous version of a fashion show. If you cared about fashion, that is. Which you don’t. Of course.

BS and Speculation: What I don’t get, however, is why jaywalking is illegal. If we free-spirited twenty-somethings want to die by taking a more direct route to where we’re going, why not let us? I mean, let’s face it: LA is not exactly a pedestrian-friendly town to begin with. It seems inconsistent, at best, to suddenly try to protect walkers simply because they step into the street fifteen feet from a corner. Hell, we’re probably in more danger on the sidewalk anyway. Plus, making jaywalking legal would destroy its appeal, keep it from being Hip, and probably stop most of us from doing it altogether. Damn. I need to write a letter to my congressman. If I cared about politics, that is. Which I don’t. Of course.

VEGANISM

Truth: Veganism is a slightly more bad-ass version of vegetarianism, which means that practicing vegans don’t eat meat or any other animal products. Being vegan is therefore insanely difficult in any rational, 21^st century society – which means it’s also therefore really Hip. In fact, it’s not uncommon to see vegans carting their own food into restaurants (super-earth-friendly greens and raw onions, which they probably grew themselves) in some organic type of paper bag. Because this is what you have to do when you’re vegan: don’t trust anyone. And especially not anyone that cooks.

Hearsay: I know all this because I’m a pseudo-vegan myself. And blah blah, it’s a long story, but I have weird health issues that make cheese and dairy products bad for me, plus I can’t eat anything fattening, so I can’t really eat meat either. This means that I appear to be every bit as high-maintenance (and Hip!) as a vegan, but I won’t talk your ear off about saving the environment and/or how cruel we human beings are to cows. I mean, we are total assholes to cows. But that’s not why I have to refuse that burger. The hearsay part of this is that I think normal vegans have strict moral codes and standards about where and how they buy/grow their food. Because I’m pretty sure veganism “means” something. (It does, right?) And that, of course, is Hip.

BS and Speculation: But here’s what really tickles me about veganism. Unless your parents were genuine, vintage, legit-as-shit hippies – you weren’t raised vegan. You probably grew up on steak and potatoes like the rest of us, and you probably didn’t go vegan until sometime in your teens or twenties. And this is what makes veganism Hip as Hip can ever get: it’s a lifestyle choice. And, sure, you probably have a good reason. Hell, you probably have weird health issues. Sure, I know, you really do. (I really do, you guys!) But inside of you, there’s also probably a kid that totally craves a McDonald’s double cheeseburger with bacon every now and again. And that’s just awesome. So next time you chow down on your alfalfa sprout salad, chew on them apples, too, for a change.

TRIXIE

Okay, world, so I more consider myself to be Hip by association. I live just on the fringes of LA, I'm an almost-but-not-quite vegan, and I know barely enough about music to BS it. I therefore feel obligated to blog so that people like me -- with no inherent knowledge or inclinations toward coolness -- can at least successfully mock and criticize Hip culture.

Why I'm Hip: I have curly hair, a degree I don't use, many artsy friends, and I've dated too many musicians. Plus, I know a shit-ton about movies and coffee. And I'm sleeping with Gabriel. (No, I really am. Even though he's in Ohio. Just accept it.)

GABRIEL

My fellow hip enthusiasts,

I am a simple man with simple values. Born and raised in Columbus, Ohio: a town so lame and with so many unexpected charms that it is a mecca to Hipsters and free-thinking people alike. I am here to observe and report on this mystical culture that they may be understood, which is probably the last thing they want.

Why I am Hip:I go to local concerts regularly, I only buy cd's with soft-back covers, I enjoy the hookah pipe, Indie films and documentaries turn me on, and I write a goddamn blog.