VEGANISM

Truth: Veganism is a slightly more bad-ass version of vegetarianism, which means that practicing vegans don’t eat meat or any other animal products. Being vegan is therefore insanely difficult in any rational, 21^st century society – which means it’s also therefore really Hip. In fact, it’s not uncommon to see vegans carting their own food into restaurants (super-earth-friendly greens and raw onions, which they probably grew themselves) in some organic type of paper bag. Because this is what you have to do when you’re vegan: don’t trust anyone. And especially not anyone that cooks.

Hearsay: I know all this because I’m a pseudo-vegan myself. And blah blah, it’s a long story, but I have weird health issues that make cheese and dairy products bad for me, plus I can’t eat anything fattening, so I can’t really eat meat either. This means that I appear to be every bit as high-maintenance (and Hip!) as a vegan, but I won’t talk your ear off about saving the environment and/or how cruel we human beings are to cows. I mean, we are total assholes to cows. But that’s not why I have to refuse that burger. The hearsay part of this is that I think normal vegans have strict moral codes and standards about where and how they buy/grow their food. Because I’m pretty sure veganism “means” something. (It does, right?) And that, of course, is Hip.

BS and Speculation: But here’s what really tickles me about veganism. Unless your parents were genuine, vintage, legit-as-shit hippies – you weren’t raised vegan. You probably grew up on steak and potatoes like the rest of us, and you probably didn’t go vegan until sometime in your teens or twenties. And this is what makes veganism Hip as Hip can ever get: it’s a lifestyle choice. And, sure, you probably have a good reason. Hell, you probably have weird health issues. Sure, I know, you really do. (I really do, you guys!) But inside of you, there’s also probably a kid that totally craves a McDonald’s double cheeseburger with bacon every now and again. And that’s just awesome. So next time you chow down on your alfalfa sprout salad, chew on them apples, too, for a change.